Five Easy Ways
by Writing2Death
Summary: ... to Almost Kill Your Boyfriend - by Merlin Emrys. By accident. Well, sorta… but not really. Maybe. Okay, it won’t ever happen again…-Companion piece to Top Five Ways ...to Know When You've Hit Rock Bottom- Fluff, Merlin/Arthur Slash


**Title: **Five Easy Ways to Almost Kill Your Boyfriend  
**Summary:** By accident. Well, sorta… but not really. Maybe. Okay, it won't ever happen again…  
**Author: **Writing2Death  
**Pairing: **Arthur/Merlin  
**Warnings:** FLUFF! Shameless, shameless fluff.  
Notes:

Honestly, I've no idea where any of this came from. Blame the exams? Physics is eating my brain? THIS fic came from the mental image of Arthur freaking out during Merlin's allergy attack in his car in _The Top Five Ways to Know When You've Hit Rock Bottom_ – very funny. And then I realised I wasn't quite finished with this 'verse yet :D There will be –bigbreathpleaseblame**WrenHightower**forthis- 5 stories in this AU now… Please, don't ask. It just kept expanding…

So, I don't own Merlin. Also, dedicated to **merlin's magi **and Wren Hightower because they are ridiculously supportive –hearts-

Happy reading! (Also: Please let it be known that I don't even like Twilight and I'm really not sure where all the references came from O.O)

* * *

**Five Easy Ways to Almost Kill Your Boyfriend  
By Merlin Emrys  
**

**- **

**5. **_Take him out for lunch.  
Don't forget your napkins._

Arthur and Merlin's relationship began as a very tentative thing. Not because they were uncomfortable around each other – they'd never had that problem, not even when they first met at first year orientation and Merlin had called him a prat and Arthur (forcefully) told him that he couldn't talk to him like that. Not, it was tentative because Merlin was a walking talking death trap.

He constantly lost things, broke things, tripped over his own two feet, and his luck was so bad that it had an aura – seriously, people naturally avoided Merlin because they thought, no, not today. Today won't be the day I get run over by an overly skinny university student with big ears. How he managed to get all the friends he had, Arthur would never know. He did suspect, however, that it had something to do with his blinding smile overpowering the sinister aura of his luck.

Regardless, they took tentative steps toward a proper relationship.

"You want to take me to lunch?" Merlin repeated. "In a nice restaurant," he clarified again when Arthur nodded.

"Isn't that what I've been trying to ask you for a month now?" Arthur responded, frustrated.

"Well," and Merlin twisted his hands here, "couldn't this go very, very wrong?"

Arthur didn't understand but Arthur also never admitted that he didn't understand and so he said, "Shut up, _Mer_lin. Just come on. Please?"

Apparently this had worked. Merlin bit his lip, looked down at his lunch bag (a picture of Spiderman on the front – my God, he was dating a ten-year-old) with a longing look before nodding. "Fine," he said, snatching his coat off the back of his chair, "But you're paying."

Arthur shrugged; he was going to anyway.

-

Merlin was fidgeting with his napkin. Arthur was fighting the impulse to reach across the table to grab his hand. "Why're you so nervous?"

"What?" Merlin asked distractedly. "I'm not? Now, what's for eating – I mean food – I mean _lunch_. What's for lunch?"

Arthur stared at him. "Are you all right?"

"Do you think any of the ingredients in Chicken Cordon Bleu have nuts?" Merlin asked.

Arthur tried not to remember that day, flinching. One minute they'd been eating chocolate and the next Merlin had been gasping for breath, wheezing out, "I can't breathe… EpiPen…"

Arthur had responded with, "What do you mean you can't _breathe_?"

The hospital was even worse. Hunith (who lived over two hours away) was Merlin's emergency contact and she'd very nearly had a heart attack right there on the phone. Arthur thought, yeah, that was great that she had an excuse to come and see Merlin but isn't it a bit soon to meet the parents?

And Will was an absolute nightmare. His protectiveness of Merlin seemed to extend way past what would be appropriate for friendship. It caused Arthur to wonder… but he wasn't jealous. Arthur didn't get jealous.

They ordered a moment later, which brought Arthur back to the present. Merlin was looking at the door with a pining expression on his face. "Perhaps you'd rather be on a date with the door?" he asked flatly.

Merlin looked at him, his eyes wide. "What?"

Arthur sighed.

-

It turned out Merlin was right. The fancy restaurant was a bad idea.

Poor Merlin was so nervous (it was either blame Merlin's nervousness or admit out loud that he was dating the world's biggest klutz. Arthur thought it was rather kinder to Merlin to just blame his nervousness) that he'd accidently upended the entire tray the waiter was carrying. Food went flying everywhere – on the floor, all over various tables, and, oh God, in the hair of Catrina, Arthur's father's ex-girlfriend. He winced, giving a little wave across tables.

Then he pulled Merlin off the waiter (named Pellinor, according to his nametag). He'd been trying to help him up but Pellinor was attempting to scramble backwards in an effort to put as much distance between himself and Merlin as possible.

Arthur paid quickly and they left as fast as possible, trying to avoid any further embarrassment.

"Okay?" Arthur asked as they got into his car.

"I told you this was a bad idea," Merlin answered sullenly.

And then Arthur understood. He also privately promised himself that he would find a way to make it up to Merlin. They'd go on the Best Date Ever. _Ever._

-

**4. **_Take him out to a sports game – always a hit.  
Bonus: show as much public affection as possible._

Arthur loved footie. He even played it as much as possible – when his business courses weren't sucking the soul out of him that was. So, he was completely happy when Merlin asked him to go to a match.

"Morgana wants me to cover it for the _Camelot Star_," he'd said with a wrinkled nose. This was Arthur's chance for the perfect date.

It was raining and muddy out and so when he and Merlin met after their last classes on Friday, he was greeted with the sight of Merlin in a bright yellow rain coat. His lips twitched into a smile.

"Aren't you a bit overdressed?" he asked, grabbing Merlin's hand and twining their fingers together.

Merlin glanced down at their hands, momentarily struck dumb. Then he seemed to actually hear what Arthur was saying. "It's raining out there!" he protested.

Arthur was just wondering if Merlin would have worn rain boots too, if he had the chance when Merlin said, "I wish I'd brought my rain boots."

"The fact that you _have_ rain boots scares me." Arthur said.

But Merlin just shrugged. They squelched through the mud unhappily, meeting up with Guinevere somewhere between the stands and the University Centre, where Merlin and Arthur had met up.

"Merlin, is that you?" she asked, squinting through the rain and taking in his very yellow clothing.

"Yes," he replied indignantly. "Why?"

"… You don't usually come to the footie games. … Nice coat."

"Thanks."

The sarcasm had gone straight over his head.

"Hello, Arthur," Gwen said fondly. "How're you?"

"Good," he said, smiling. Then he smirked a bit. "Lance has been asking about you," he said casually.

Gwen blushed noticeably. "Yeah?" she said. Arthur nodded and Gwen suddenly found the ground very interesting, her lips upturned in a smile.

"I could set you up, if you wanted?" Arthur offered. Honestly, Guinevere and Lance had exchanged about ten words and now Lance wouldn't shut up about it. From what he gathered between Merlin and Morgana, Gwen was in a similar situation. This would help all, he was sure.

Merlin rolled his eyes at the conversation and they squeezed into the stands as best they could and as close to the front as they could. He was looking very resigned. Arthur thought no one should look like that when they were thinking about football. "You… don't really like this stuff, do you?" he asked.

Merlin's eyes were on the field. "Not really. It's just a bit … boring, isn't it? And it's _raining_!"

Arthur frowned – Merlin was supposed to enjoy himself. So he pulled him closer, kissing him quickly and smiling at him, "Cheer up, yeah?" Merlin blushed (and Arthur secretly enjoyed that quite a bit), pushing him away slightly, muttering something about PDA. But he was smiling, which was what really counted.

He thought later, when they were back at the hospital with Merlin's nose gushing blood, that maybe he should have taken Merlin's evil aura of luck into account when picking the Best Date Ever because, while it apparently repelled people, it attracted footballs.

-

**3. **_Double Date: verb, the act of going out with two or more couples accompanying you.  
It'll be sure to take the pressure off._

"How's your nose?" Arthur asked, wincing at the very noticeable black eyes adorning Merlin's face.

"Broken," Merlin said, his voice slightly pinched, "and painful."

The one thing Arthur noticed about Merlin since they began dating was that Merlin was clingy when was having a bad day (_at least_ 80% of his days were bad, according to him) and he liked to snuggle. Arthur _tolerated _this. Because Arthur didn't like to snuggle – it just wasn't manly. Unfortunately, every time Merlin went to bury his face in Arthur's shoulder he found it rather painful. So, dissatisfied, he flopped onto the couch in Arthur's flat that he shared with Lance. "I dislike my life."

Arthur dropped into a nearby chair. "Don't worry," he said, "You're still cute."

The glare that Merlin gave him with his nose all swollen and dark bruises circling his eyes and extending down his sharp cheekbones was _not_ threatening.

"So…" Arthur began, smiling, "how do you feel about double dating, then?"

Merlin sighed in a suffering way. "With who?" he asked. "And when, seeing as I look like the Monster from Frankenstein right now."

"Wasn't Frankenstein the monster?" Arthur asked and when Merlin rolled his eyes, he realized he was a bit off topic. "With Guinevere and Lance… like, next week. We worked it out when you were being examined."

"I'm so glad that my injury was convenient for you all. Go get me ice."

Normally, Arthur would have said "Get off your lazy arse and get it yourself" but since Merlin was injured and Arthur was clearly the Best Boyfriend Ever, he got up to get the ice, wrapped it in a clean dish cloth, and handed it to him.

"Thanks," Merlin said, very clearly breathing through his mouth. "Do you have paracetamol?"

"You know," Arthur said in a anguished tone, "Your nose doesn't impair your ability to walk. It is not, in fact, attached to your feet."

Merlin made some noise that didn't translate to English and Arthur sighed again. "Is that a yes or no to the date?" he called back. "It'll only take, like, three days for the swelling to go down, won't it?"

Merlin was sarcastic, "Oh yes, only three days."

-

Merlin's face still hurt when Arthur picked him up, Arthur could tell. The bruising took a while to go away and in the last week and a bit it'd faded to a sickly yellow-green colour. The swelling had gone down, which was nice, though.

"Where're we going?"

Arthur smiled in what he hoped was a very charming way, "The carnival?"

Merlin deadpanned, "Did we learning nothing from the restaurant fiasco?"

"That you should be more careful?" Arthur asked sarcastically, stepping into Merlin's flat momentarily as Merlin pulled his jacket on. Will was sitting in front of the TV with his laptop on the coffee table, glaring in Arthur's general direction. If Arthur had wanted to bait him, he would have said something along the lines of "Can I help you?" in a really annoying, mocking tone but no matter that he told everyone that Merlin hit like a girl, he still had a bruise from two weeks ago on his shoulder from when he said something very offensive that he wished he could take back. He decided to keep his mouth shut if he wanted this date to be the Best Date Ever. And he did, obviously.

Gwen and Lance met up with them near the spinning strawberries. Merlin, who had just been mumbling about how it was nice that it was dark enough that no one would see how he looked like he'd been beat up, smiled very widely at them.

Arthur muttered something along the lines of, "Oh, you do not." He was ignored.

"So what should we do first?" Gwen asked excitedly, looking at Lance with a love-struck face. Arthur hoped to all that was holy he'd never worn that face. Ever. If he had, it would have been directed at Merlin, who would have surely been mocking him in his head.

Merlin looked at the rides warily and then at the games with what bordered on fright. "Um… how about cotton candy?" he asked hopefully.

Lance shrugged, grabbing Gwen's hand and pulling her close to him. Arthur and Merlin exchanged wary looks. This was going to end up being an uncomfortable night, wasn't it?

-

"So," Gwen asked, shoving a piece of blue cotton candy in her mouth so that her tongue was stained, "did you ever find your student id?"

Merlin wrinkled his nose and then made a painful face because, _right_, it was still technically broken. Arthur looked at him as Merlin violently ripped at his candy. "No," he said bitterly. "I need to get around to getting a new one. I hate using my driver's license during exams."

Arthur couldn't help himself; he snorted. "You have your driver's license?"

Merlin glared at him and Gwen's eyes lit up as she fed a piece of the sticky sweet candy to Lance. And ew, Arthur definitely didn't need to see that. It was like _he_ was being force-fed cotton candy – and he didn't even like it! Gwen and Lance's soon-to-be relationship was like a cavity in pill form. Arthur shuddered.

"Oh, it's a good story," Gwen went on, not noticing, and Lance was just staring at her a little gooey-eyed. "He had to take the test three times before he could pass. One of the examiners was… in shock after the first time."

Merlin moaned in embarrassment, burying his face in his arms. Arthur thought he might have heard an "ouch".

"-Because he may have crashed the car into a tree."

"I was _nervous_," Merlin said heatedly, his blush visible through the yellow-green discolouration (Lance had said earlier, "Wow, this lighting is really bad for that bruising. It looks like someone painted your face." And Merlin had turned to Arthur and said, "You're a filthy liar."). "You would be too if your examiner was Nimueh – she's like the epitome of creepy!"

"Yes," Gwen said, smiling sweetly because though she was mean and liked to embarrass her friends to an insane degree, she was genuinely the nicest person. Merlin had told Arthur once that he'd never been angry at Gwen just because the crushed look on her face would make him feel like a horrible person. "But that doesn't explain the _other_ two times."

The rest of the date actually went all right and Arthur congratulated himself. Merlin was smiling and happy and laughing and for once not being a nervous wreck. Arthur even convinced him to go on the spinning strawberries and Merlin hadn't thrown up like he said he would. They had drawn a line at the bumper cars, though. "Uh, just… no," Merlin had said, gesturing to his face. "If I could go, like, a week without injuring myself or others that would be great." Lance and Gwen were still sickeningly sweet but, if they turned their head in the other direction, they barely noticed.

Then – then there was this. This being the horror that was the Ferris Wheel. Now, Arthur was a very brave person and he didn't get scared so when Merlin, smiling blindingly (which already had Arthur disarmed), grabbed his wrist and pointed at the Ferris Wheel, because they "just have to go on it, Arthur, please" and pouted in his Merlin way, Arthur found himself unable to say no.

The line moved agonizingly slow and Arthur was having issues keeping up with the conversation because had the Ferris Wheel always been so high up?

Gwen was just saying, "I wish Morgana could have come."

"But Morgana isn't dating anyone," Arthur pointed out, attempting to keep a level head. But he wasn't _afraid_.

Gwen looked at him wide-eyed. "Yes she is," she said and then covered her mouth. "I mean – Leon is a very nice guy, I'm sure he'll treat her nicely. It's just, she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to know! … Not that she doesn't trust you, of course!"

Lance gave Arthur a very sympathetic look and pulled Gwen away, who was berating herself now, as far as Arthur could tell. He watched them get into their compartment, his fleeting anger at Leon (who was in his economics class for goodness sake!) momentarily overwhelming the urge to never, ever leave the ground.

It wasn't until he and Merlin were seated that he actually realized he was _on the freaking Ferris Wheel._ He clenched his hands into fists. They'd be fine. How many hundreds of people rode this thing anyway?

Merlin grabbed his hand and looked over the side. Then he noticed Arthur's small (loud) whimpers as they reached the crest of the circle. "… Arthur? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Arthur said, looking up instead of down. "Totally fine."

And then, because they were Arthur and Merlin and Merlin's luck seemed to have transferred itself to him, they abruptly stopped rotating and Arthur gripped the seat with both hands. "We're stuck, aren't we?" he asked.

Merlin looked over the side again, "Looks that way." Then he scooted closer to Arthur, "Are you seriously all right?"

Arthur bit his lip and shook his head, "I might, hypothetically but really not so much, have a potential, very _small,_ irrational fear of heights."

And when their carriage gave a jerk forward, Arthur abandoned all pretenses of bravery and threw himself on top of Merlin, burying his face in his neck. "Tell me when it's over…" he said.

Merlin sighed sadly and petted his hair. "This was a bad idea, wasn't it?" And when he got no answer, "I wish I couldn't see Gwen and Lance making out below us… it just doesn't feel right."

-

**2. **_A hike sounds like a good idea, doesn't it?  
After all, it worked for Edward and Bella…_

"You _are_ kidding, right?"

Merlin's response to, "Hey, come on, we're going on a hike!" was not encouraging.

"Why not?" Arthur whined. "I've already packed everything and … everything!"

He'd planned it all out – he and Merlin would go on a hike. And they would find a meadow. And, what are you talking about? He clearly did not get his inspiration from Stephenie Meyer's Twilight… pfft… Arthur didn't read stuff like that. It wasn't … manly enough… he coughed.

"Please?" he asked because he knew that whenever he asked in that tone, Merlin had difficulty saying no.

Merlin sighed, looking as though he was suffering. "Do we have to?"

Arthur pouted, "But I already packed a lunch and everything!"

Merlin sighed, looked at the coffee table where his psychology textbook was open with a pink highlighter sitting in the middle, and grabbed his jacket. "You know," he said conversationally, "one of these days I'll actually be busy doing something when you come up with these crazy ideas."

Arthur grinned.

-

There was no meadow. Arthur thought maybe he should have planned this out a little better. But he'd been reading and it occurred to him… Well, Merlin was a little bit like Bella, wasn't he? Clumsy and cute minus the female-ness? Because he was definitely male… Plus, Arthur was absolutely as awesome as Edward, right?

He quickly derailed those thoughts because _right,_ he didn't read Twilight…

"We're lost, aren't we?" Merlin said, panting, coming up behind him.

"Um… not lost, no," Arthur answered. "I was looking… for something."

Merlin raised his eyebrows, his expression saying, I know exactly what you're thinking, Arthur.

Arthur quickly changed the subject. "Here's a good place to eat, yeah?"

It wasn't really. There was no place to sit, the ground twisted with the roots of trees. There was grass, though, Arthur thought, desperate for this to actually be a good date. They'd had so many bad ones lately.

In the end, when he opened his bag to get out the food he forced Lance to prepare that morning (Forced? Not so much – Lance was such a romantic, he'd told Arthur to pass it off as his own cooking. Arthur would have if he didn't know for sure that Merlin knew he was a crap cook). He'd found not the chicken Lance made but his Anthropology binder and textbook. Oh. Lovely.

Where was the chicken sitting? Most likely on the counter with all of the other food Arthur had meant to exchange for his schoolwork. Damn. Everyone knew you couldn't properly woo someone without chicken.

He sighed and looked at Merlin, who was leaning against the trunk of a tree. "So… if we're not lost, wanna just go back to your flat and have the picnic there?"

Arthur smiled a little because Merlin was Merlin and while he'd probably be mocked for this for the rest of his life, Merlin always seemed to make everything a little bit better.

-

Of course, Merlin ruined the moment when they were heading back. While he managed not to injure himself further (a broken nose already) he did manage to trip over one of those random tree roots and send Arthur sprawling down a hill. Ouch.

-

**1. **_Take him out on The Best Date Ever. And then have it go horribly, horribly wrong.  
Several times. Be sure to have him injure himself. And you.  
Maybe try something a little less strenuous next time?  
__**Also**__: don't let him know that you  
Keep a list of your  
Bad dates_

Arthur felt like one big bruise from head to toe. This may have had to do with the fact that Merlin had sent him tumbling headfirst down a rather large hill the day previous.

_And_ they didn't even get to have their picnic. Lance had worked really hard on that food…

Arthur sighed – maybe simplicity would work better?

And so he found himself dragging Merlin to the park on the next (rare) sunny day after their psychology lecture. "What are we doing?" Merlin asked.

And Arthur shrugged because he wasn't quite sure anymore. "Walking hand in hand on a bike path?" he answered.

Merlin rolled his eyes, "I wasn't aware we were playing Point Out The Obvious. The sky is blue, you know."

Arthur grinned; cheeky bugger. He didn't say anything, busy contemplating what he could do to make this date The Best Date Ever.

Merlin kept talking though, because he was like that. "You've _inspired_ me, you know."

"Yeah?" Arthur asked, amused.

"Yep," Merlin answered. "Morgana will be thrilled."

"Will she?"

"Mmm."

The date was wonderful, even when it got really cloudy and they couldn't exactly make it back to the University Centre in time to save from being soaked to the skin.

In the end, what really ruined the day was Arthur's apparently insatiable curiosity.

-

**One Easy Way to Cheer a Sad Boyfriend up**

_Tell him that, under no circumstances, will you ever, ever want someone else.  
Because, honestly?  
You love him._

Five Easy Ways to Almost Kill Your Boyfriend.

That was Merlin's theme this week. It wouldn't have been half so bad if Arthur hadn't been trying so very hard. Merlin came out of his bedroom wearing a fresh set of clothes.

And when he caught sight of Arthur with the paper, he grinned. It didn't last long though, when he saw Arthur's face. "Oh," he said. "You don't like it, then."

Arthur frowned, "If you didn't want to go on all the dates, you just could've told me."

Merlin looked a little confused, "But… they were all my fault. I was just… I thought you'd find it funny. The article, I mean."

Arthur shook his head, "I'm sorry that I fail so spectacularly at this."

Merlin sat down next to him. "But you don't!" he protested. "Well, okay, maybe the hike was a bit much but I'm the nervous klutz here. You were just… trying to find somewhere that _I_ didn't fail."

Arthur leaned sideways, squishing Merlin into the side of the couch a bit, "It's not your fault you're uncoordinated. You're practically Bambi with the big eyes and the … you know, the flailing. I just wanted to be a good boyfriend."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "You are a giant prat, you know? You don't have to _woo_ me," he said, carefully extricating his arms from under Arthur's back and bringing them up to wrap around Arthur's shoulders. "You already have me."

Arthur mumbled something inaudible into Merlin's shoulder.

"Yes," Merlin said in a long-suffering way, "I like you even more than I like Edward Cullen, are you happy now?"

Arthur lifted himself up and shook Merlin's hold off him and kissed him softly. When they broke apart and Arthur settled for squishing Merlin into the couch more thoroughly, Merlin mumbled almost as an afterthought,

"It is a shame you don't sparkle, though."

And Arthur grinned into the back of his neck – "If you don't shut up, _Mer_lin, Morgana'll have to name your article _Five Easy Ways to _Actually_ Kill Your Boyfriend_."

Merlin just laughed.


End file.
